čo robiť, keď myšlienka „Nenávidím svojho manžela“ prechádza cez vašu myseľ

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V jednom z vašich nie tak najlepších momentov ste pravdepodobne kričali na niečo ako „Neznášam vás!“ Na niekoho, koho milujete. (Ste len človek.) Ale čo keby ste sa takto cítili úprimne? Čo ak niektorá časť z vás – malý zlomok alebo dokonca skutočne významný – skutočne nenávidí vášho manžela alebo partnera?

Ukázalo sa, že nenávidieť manžela / manželku nie je také neobvyklé, ako by ste si mohli myslieť. Prakticky každý má časy, keď sa cítia ako nenávisť voči svojmu partnerovi, hovorí Jane Greer, PhD, manželka a rodinná terapeutka v New Yorku. Vo svojej knihe A čo ja? Zabráňte sebectvu v tom, aby ničilo váš vzťah, Greer nazýva tieto chvíle „Nenávidím, znamená to“. V zásade je nemožné žiť s niekým, kto sa občas necíti obťažovaný správaním – hovorí však – ale to, čo potrebujete, aby bol vzťah úspešný, je, aby boli tieto okamihy v rovnováhe s tými, ktoré vás milujú.

“V podstate je nemožné žiť s niekým, bez toho, aby sa jeho správanie občas obťažovalo.”

“To je, keď sa pozriete na svojho partnera a uvedomíte si, prečo ich máte radi, či už je to preto, že sú premýšľaní, sú pre vás tak atraktívni, urobili niečo starostlivé, povedali niečo vtipné, podporovali a pomáhali vám, alebo videli ste ich so svojimi deťmi a mysleli ste si: „Aká veľká matka alebo otec sú,“ hovorí Greer. Bez týchto okamihov je váš vzťah ako úpal bez aloe, hovorí.

Ak sa cítite opačným spôsobom – že vaše pocity klesajú viac na strane spektra „Hate You, Mean It“ – pravdepodobne sa zaoberáte skutočnou a silnou dávkou rozhorčenia. Prečítajte si o radu Greerovej o tom, čo presne robiť.

  1. Zistite, kde sa vaše potreby nespĺňajú.
    Možno je vám úplne jasné, že vaša nenávisť pramení z toho, ako váš partner nikdy nenasleduje seba samého alebo nikdy nenasleduje veci, ktoré povedal, že urobia. Alebo možno cítite tieto negatívne pocity, ale nie ste si celkom istí, prečo.

Ak ide o druhý prípad, spoločnosť Greer navrhuje venovať veľkú pozornosť správaniu vášho partnera a uvažovať o tom, ako konali. „Opýtajte sa sami seba,‘ Existuje nevyriešený problém? Je to niečo, čo nedávno urobili, čo ma rozrušilo? Je to niečo, čo povedali? Necítim sa počúvať? “Hovorí. „Pozrite sa na:„ Kde sa cítim nedôležité, nezaujatý, nestarám sa o to, kontrolovaný alebo zbavený? “Kde nie sú splnené vaše potreby? To je skutočná otázka. “

REKLAMA – POČÍTAJTE SI POČÍTAČ

„Kde nie sú splnené vaše potreby? To je skutočná otázka.“

Povedzme, že váš manžel nezdvíha prst po dome, alebo vaša žena neustále zastrašuje televíziu, keď sa snažíte spať. „Ak ide o pokračujúce chronické správanie,“ hovorí Greer, „môže to byť skutočne problematické.“

Ďalšou možnosťou, ako nenávidieť alebo nenávidieť svojho partnera, je to, že sú zodpovední za jednu akciu – ale za biggie. Ukážka A: Váš partner vás presťahoval po celej krajine kvôli svojej práci. Je to jedna vec, ak ste sa rozhodli spolu, pretože to bolo v najlepšom záujme vášho vzťahu a rodiny; je to ďalšie, ak máte pocit, že váš partner nežiadal vaše príspevky.

Medzi kompromisom a obeťou je rozdiel, hovorí Greer. „Aby ste neboli rozhorčení rozhodnutiami, ktoré sa odohrávajú vo vašom živote, musíte mať pocit, že sa rozhodujete – nie že obetujete a idete spolu,“ hovorí. “V opačnom prípade bude zlosť a hnev.”

  1. Nedovoľte, aby sa vaša nenávisť dostala k bodu varu.
    Teraz, keď ste odstránili príčinu (alebo dôvody), ktoré ste voči svojmu partnerovi tak strašné, musíte s nimi diskutovať o tejto nenávisti – a rýchlo, podľa Greera.

„Ak viete, že ste naštvaní a nahnevaní, čím skôr o tom môžete hovoriť, o to menej sa slávia, čím menej na ňom bývate, a čím menej sa odplatíte,“ hovorí.

Tak sa bavte (zdravo!). Greer odporúča začať s empatiou, premýšľať o tom, prečo sa váš partner môže správať týmto spôsobom. Mohli by ste povedať: „Chápem, že pracujete dlhé hodiny, cítite sa vyčerpaní, keď sa vrátite domov, a preto nechcete robiť viac práce, ako sú domáce práce.“ Alebo: „Mám pocit, že ste sa museli pohybovať alebo tvoj šéf vás chcel vystreliť. “

Potom choďte do toho a povedzte, ako sa cítite – bez obviňovania. Možno by ste povedali niečo ako: „S tým bolo povedané, že sa naozaj cítim rozhorčený, keď stále hovoríme o jedlách a stále ich nechávate v umývadle,“ alebo „Nemal som pocit, že by som mal veľa hovorím o premiestnení a som z toho stále naštvaný. “

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